By Marie Hopper

"Welcome to our homeschool support group! Oh, by the way, does your family eat white bread or brown bread? Well…all the white bread-eaters are over there. What? Your child is the same age as my brown bread- eating child? That’s too bad, but I would really prefer to keep my child away from any chance of encountering white bread. Your kind eats over there."

Many of us belong to, or hope to belong to, some kind of homeschooling support group. We are looking to find friendships for our children and ourselves, a chance to participate in group activities, and a place to share resources, ideas, and the ups and downs of homeschooling. For some, these groups can foster a love/hate relationship. Homeschool groups come in all shapes, sizes, and flavors, and with all manner of mountains and valleys. In some cases, one or two people do all of the work and take on the entire responsibility for the workings and health of the group. In others, we might come in contact with people we don't like or whose lifestyles and beliefs upset or concern us. But some groups can be affirming and encouraging; it can be a great relief to discover that all of the other nine year olds are acting the same way as yours.

What inspires us to look for and/or form groups of homeschoolers? Often, we are hoping to find kindred spirits - folks with similar philosophies and approaches. Perhaps we want to provide social opportunities for our children as well as enjoy group discounts to events and activities. A group may also give us the critical mass of children needed to make some activities, such as band or sports teams, feasible. For whatever our reasons, we join a group. It might be the perfect group or it may be the only game in town. We join even if the "fit" isn't quite right, feeling that this is better than nothing.

We all come into groups with different needs and expectations. Most of us naturally gravitate to people who "click" for our children or ourselves. As a result, groups will sometimes split or splinter. This is where my story comes in.

Our group split between the white bread-eaters and the brown bread-eaters. We started out very small - six families that got along reasonably well. Some families were into natural foods and alternatives of all kinds - the "crunchy granola" type, as someone so aptly put it; the other families were not. As time went on and our children grew into middle childhood, it became apparent that there were other homeschoolers out there who wanted to join our group. Some of our original members welcomed this influx of new people, feeling they would increase the diversity in the ages of our group’s children, as well as provide different outlooks on life and homeschooling approaches. Others in the group felt it was too much work to have new people coming and repeatedly asking questions. I won't bore you with the nasty little details; suffice to say that several of the original families took their toys and went home, leaving some very hurt feelings in their wake.

Once we recovered from the shock and hard feelings, the remaining core group of families sat down and had several long talks. Why did this split happen? What can we do to pick up the pieces and start over? How can we prevent this from happening in the future? I think our answers might be helpful to other groups.

We immediately set out to find a new name for ourselves. The kids eventually decided on one that has worked very well. We decided not to use the word ‘support’ in our name as it often conjures up an image that suggests we are similar to health support groups or AA. People often came to us looking for some handholding or to be spoon-fed. We felt this was a result of continuing to think with the traditional school system mentality, and we knew that we didn't have either the time or the energy to offer that type of support for people. Instead, from the beginning, we considered ourselves a network of homeschoolers. This has given everyone permission to develop friendships and link up with like-minded people. As a network, our members are free to explore large and small group activities, some which appeal to a wide range of interests and others that have a narrow focus.

In order to avoid past mistakes, we wanted to find a structure that was neither too structured nor too loose. Since we didn’t want officers or only a few families doing all the work, we created a very cooperative structure that has worked extremely well for the past four or five years. Each August, we hold an information night open to the general public. We let people know about homeschooling in general, our group in particular, and the other religious-based group in town. At our first "official" event, a play day, we gather everyone together to make introductions and find out from the kids what ideas they might have for the coming year. Each family picks a month for which they are responsible. (This is, of course, voluntary. New families are encouraged to pair up with a veteran family. Sometimes a new family will wait a year before jumping in!) That month’s family picks the park for the play day, arranges a field trip, makes any 4H announcements, and hosts the parents' night. They are also responsible for typing up a short newsletter that lets everyone know what is happening that month. We love seeing each family’s newsletter style and computer tricks!

This new structure has generated excitement and a sense of relief. Our group has not only continued, it has thrived! Often, what happens in groups is the emergence of one or two dominant personalities. These people can make or break a group. By not having a single leader and by sharing responsibilities completely, our group has been able to absorb new personalities very easily. Some stay, some leave, but hurt feelings are kept to a minimum. We do our best to keep the lines of communication open and are very up front with new folks. We make it a point to tell everyone who will listen, "If you have an idea, go for it. Don't wait to be asked to do something; don't wait for permission to arrange something. Just do it and we will follow!" We encourage people to network and find friendships that work for their family. We ask that people be sensitive to others yet not worry about setting up smaller group activities or get-togethers.

By having a clear picture of why we exist, we are able to easily set our group's parameters. Everyone in the group knows what is expected and has realistic expectations about what the group can and cannot provide. We work on keeping our minds and hearts open to new ideas and new people. As a result, we are an incredibly diverse group. We are able to adapt as the group's needs change and as the group grows.

 

Some suggestions on how groups can avoid splitting:

• Create one large canopy group and several sub-groups. For instance, in the Charlotte, NC area, there are numerous groups with one large umbrella group that holds yearly leader meetings, shares ideas, and publishes a guide to all the groups in the area
  
  
• Have two or three separate groups, but share ideas and information for large group events such as concerts, tours, etc.
  
  
• If a split does occur, have a few folks belong to both groups as a way of keeping the lines of communication open.
  
  
• Focus on what you all have in common: homeschooling, a strong desire to do what is best for your family, enthusiasm, etc.
  
  
• As Carol Moxley stated, "Work in tandem rather than in opposition."